Monthly Archives: September 2014

We Remember… 9/11/01

Last summer, I visited the 9/11 Memorial for the first time. Actually experiencing being there was nothing short of amazing- seeing all the names of those we lost, my fingertips gently grazing some of their names while I was silently saying prayers for each of them, hearing the peacefulness and tranquility of the waterfalls; feeling the same emotions strike me that I felt that day -maybe even a tad bit harder by actually being there. I simply could not wrap my head around the fact that people had died right where I was standing, that the streets I was walking through to get there were the same streets that people were running for their lives- struggling to see, to breathe, to live…

These were the very same streets that the Heroes of New York were heading in the opposite direction, towards the buildings, towards the fires, towards the thousands of people who needed them and were counting on them. I cannot even fathom the anguish, the fear, the hopelessness that almost 3000 people felt that day right before they died; the unbearable pain and suffering that their families and friends endured- that they still endure.

Unimaginable.

I was pregnant with my son when I was there last year and I can remember having the painful realization that he was going to learn about 9/11 in a future History class. His generation and the generations to come will not know how each of us felt that fateful day, how we can all remember exactly what we were doing when we heard, how we all ran to put on the news and sat there numb, speechless, paralyzed while we witnessed the 2nd plane hit.

At the time, I was a somewhat sheltered 20-yr-old suburban college student whose biggest problem was what major I was going to declare and which party to attend the following Saturday night. Reality hit me in the face like a ton of bricks- panic slowly setting in with the realization that there are terrifying people in this world who hate America, who hate the Freedom that we stand for, who want to destroy us.

They didn’t though. They deeply wounded us, left us with abysmal scars, whipped us into a cold, hard, dark reality check- there is absolutely no denying that. They knocked us off our hinges for a long while, but we did not break. We did not crumble. United We Stand, strongly and proudly, as we remember those that we lost 13 years ago today. I know all of us live busy, hectic lives but remember to take a minute out of your day today and say a prayer to those that we lost.

Let them know that we remember, and that we will never ever forget…

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The Complications of Love

I wrote this piece 15 years ago and a lot of it still rings true. Though only 19, I seemed to have a lot of opinions on love at the time. Some of it I read now and shake my head, thinking ” you know nothing, little girl” but some of it, I don’t know, I think I captured some real and honest feelings that people feel but don’t come out and say. It’s interesting to think about it regardless, and isn’t that really the point?

The Complications of Love

There are many things I have figured out about love over the past few years. Some I’d like to forget but can’t, and some I hope to never forget but probably will. Life’s funny that way. One thing I know for sure is that love is something we will never figure out completely.

I’ve learned that when two people love each other, one of the two always loves the other more.

I’ve learned that sometimes even when you love someone, there can be someone else in the picture- whether they’re from the past but still engraved in your heart, or in your present- you know- the new guy who magically appears just when  you thought you were quite happy and devoted to your one true love, or the someone else could also be a hypothetical representation of a future;  a feeling that there is something or someone better out there.

I’ve learned that you always go for the one that could do you the most harm. It’s almost twisted and self-destructive. Because wouldn’t it be safer and simpler to go with the one who you know would do anything for you and would love you unconditionally? Sure it would, but there’s no challenge in it. It’s too easy, too boring, and too normal for your taste.

I’ve learned that sometimes in a relationship, the tables turn, and you feel like your world has also turned because before, you had the upper hand, but then it changed out of nowhere, and you are the one whose jaw is left flapping, and you learned too late that what goes around, will always come around.

I’ve learned that you can think your world will stop spinning if your true love left you, that you would die without them. But in the end, you’re still here, and your world is still spinning, and you’re still breathing, and then miraculously, that one you thought you couldn’t live without becomes a memory of a past you can’t even imagine being in now. The person you thought was your whole life becomes someone you hardly think about.

I’ve learned that everyone cheats at some point, whether it’s physical or emotional. You don’t have to be intimate with someone else to make it cheating, that’s the way society may see it but it doesn’t technically have to be true. I also think it could be a way of cheating with your heart, so to speak, when you share a certain glance or when you even think about someone else as a what-if scenario.

I’ve learned that love fools many people; blinds them, hurts them, scars them, even paralyzes them with fear. I’ve learned getting hurt emotionally is a fear that everyone in this world shares and everyone in this world will get their heart broken at least once. What many people don’t realize is that a broken heart will mend in time, just like a broken arm or a leg.  Nothing stays broken forever, it can always be fixed somehow.

I’ve learned that life will go on, that love will come again, and that our worlds will always keep on spinning. Hurt or happy, you’ll always overcome the one thing you thought you never could.

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The Emptiness in Me

It’s interesting to read back on something I wrote when I was 19; so young and so long ago,  yet what I’m describing in this piece is exactly the kind of love that I found with my husband. I guess I really knew what I wanted, even back then.

The Emptiness in Me

I can feel the emptiness in me, swallowing me, devouring me, even though I know it like you know your own hand, even though I feel it like you feel the softness of cotton.

But the emptiness in me is not an enemy, but an ally in this never-ending maze that I call my life, but what others would call my imagination. It is not bad, it’s almost good, because it has a desire of it’s own to be filled, to be awakened, to make me whole.

It’s intentions is not to make me miserable, like I am, like I continue to be, but to find me- to define me, for I am lost even though I know my way but am incapable of leading myself to my own utopia.

I want to love. I want to be loved, yet I want to be able to handle it, to be able to love with my eyes open, with my mind intact. Because to fall in love, is to fall. If you are falling for someone, the doom destined for you was right there in the start, obvious in the very cliché that is repeated time after time, but others are too blinded to see, to recognize the saying for what it really is. Their eyes were closed and they let themselves fall to their own doom.

So I don’t wish to fall in love, but to be simply placed in it, with my eyes open, with both feet secure on the ground, not naively swept away. So that I may still know myself and not lose my identity. Not lose myself by looking in some guy’s eyes and watch myself slowly diminishing before them.

So that I may still know myself, and maybe know myself more- through the eyes of my love that sees me as beautiful, through the heart of the one who loves me for me, through the hands of the one whom I let touch me- here- deep within me, and not be afraid that those hands will scar the very insides I handed him without a second glance, through the mind of the one that matches my own intellectual mind so that we may sit for hours and discuss the concept of everything and nothing and never be bored with it, through the faith that I will learn to develop in him, and in myself, and in us, through the smile upon my lips in which he formed, and through the light in my eyes in which he restored from when I was a child; so happy. So purely and innocently happy.

That is when I shall know myself – That is when I shall love, and until that day comes, I’ll sit here and try to forgive the emptiness in me that causes my misery and causes me to dwell in it. For I’ll remember it is an ally, and silently and calmly await the day when the white flag rises, and I surrender to the kind of love I have never known, but always, always secretly longed for.

 

 

 

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