Tag Archives: people

The Complications of Love

I wrote this piece 15 years ago and a lot of it still rings true. Though only 19, I seemed to have a lot of opinions on love at the time. Some of it I read now and shake my head, thinking ” you know nothing, little girl” but some of it, I don’t know, I think I captured some real and honest feelings that people feel but don’t come out and say. It’s interesting to think about it regardless, and isn’t that really the point?

The Complications of Love

There are many things I have figured out about love over the past few years. Some I’d like to forget but can’t, and some I hope to never forget but probably will. Life’s funny that way. One thing I know for sure is that love is something we will never figure out completely.

I’ve learned that when two people love each other, one of the two always loves the other more.

I’ve learned that sometimes even when you love someone, there can be someone else in the picture- whether they’re from the past but still engraved in your heart, or in your present- you know- the new guy who magically appears just when  you thought you were quite happy and devoted to your one true love, or the someone else could also be a hypothetical representation of a future;  a feeling that there is something or someone better out there.

I’ve learned that you always go for the one that could do you the most harm. It’s almost twisted and self-destructive. Because wouldn’t it be safer and simpler to go with the one who you know would do anything for you and would love you unconditionally? Sure it would, but there’s no challenge in it. It’s too easy, too boring, and too normal for your taste.

I’ve learned that sometimes in a relationship, the tables turn, and you feel like your world has also turned because before, you had the upper hand, but then it changed out of nowhere, and you are the one whose jaw is left flapping, and you learned too late that what goes around, will always come around.

I’ve learned that you can think your world will stop spinning if your true love left you, that you would die without them. But in the end, you’re still here, and your world is still spinning, and you’re still breathing, and then miraculously, that one you thought you couldn’t live without becomes a memory of a past you can’t even imagine being in now. The person you thought was your whole life becomes someone you hardly think about.

I’ve learned that everyone cheats at some point, whether it’s physical or emotional. You don’t have to be intimate with someone else to make it cheating, that’s the way society may see it but it doesn’t technically have to be true. I also think it could be a way of cheating with your heart, so to speak, when you share a certain glance or when you even think about someone else as a what-if scenario.

I’ve learned that love fools many people; blinds them, hurts them, scars them, even paralyzes them with fear. I’ve learned getting hurt emotionally is a fear that everyone in this world shares and everyone in this world will get their heart broken at least once. What many people don’t realize is that a broken heart will mend in time, just like a broken arm or a leg.  Nothing stays broken forever, it can always be fixed somehow.

I’ve learned that life will go on, that love will come again, and that our worlds will always keep on spinning. Hurt or happy, you’ll always overcome the one thing you thought you never could.

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Just breathe

My worst enemy
My real life nightmare
My monster under the bed
Just breathe

The slow creep
The quiet takeover
The silent strangle
Just breathe

My throat begins to close
Breathe
My heart begins to pound
Just breathe
My fingers and toes go numb
Breathe
My body is covered with sweat
Please just breathe
My mind betrays me; starts believing the enemy

It comes without warning, without reason, without compassion
It knows no limits, has no restraint, has no loyalty
It just bluntly attacks
Breathe
Knocks you off your feet
Breathe
Holds your mind hostage
Breathe
Takes your breath away
Try-to-breathe
FIGHT
Never give in
Just breathe

It will not win
It will not defeat me
It will not take over
It will not kill me
I will be stronger
I will fight harder
It will not win
I choose to fight
I decide
I win
I-JUST-BREATHE

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Thanks for reading 😉

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One Step Forward

” We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” FDR

Where does it fit? Do any of us really know where their puzzle piece of life truly belongs? Do we ever really know for sure if the path that we have taken was the one we were destined to follow?  How will we ever really know  if we don’t surrender to the fear of putting ourselves out there, of reaching for our dreams, of following the path less traveled?

Was it all written in my script that I was given when I took my first breath of this air that keeps whirling me around and around, leading me in so many directions. This direction: safe, secure, normal, content, cozy. That direction: Unknown, Wild, Dangerous, Terrifying. Maybe it’s just the journey, not the destination. I don’t think I know exactly. I just know I don’t want any walls prisoning me.  I just know that in order to really see or be seen, one has to remove the blinders; life’s distorted sunglasses that keep obstructing the desired vision.  Will I go the distance to the other side of the dark? Can my mountain of insecurities be overcome? Will I turn the page to the new level of multicolored dreams awakening me, empowering me, every step of the way?

One step forward.

        Another step further.

No more cracks in the sidewalk. I will achieve the unachievable and I will not look back at footprints that walked over me, at hands that pulled me back, at eyes behind sunglasses that tried to blind me of my strength. 

 You have to be willing to put yourself out there, uncover the layers… take off your sunglasses.  You can’t play hide and seek with the stars forever. I took my sunglasses off and I lost them in the dust when the wind blew. Will you?..

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Judgment Day

” Only God can Judge me”  Do any of you really believe that is true?   Tupac believed that, but in the end,  I’m pretty sure he learned that wasn’t the case. Have you ever heard people say “It’s not my place to judge” ,  or ” I don’t judge anyone”, or ” Don’t judge a book by it’s cover,” or  “Who are  you to judge?”  Why do we utter such nonsense? It’s lies. We are just lying to others, to ourselves, but fooling no one in the process. What we should be saying instead is that judgment is innate. It is human. It is honest. What matters is what  we do with that judgment. How we act unto others after making the judgments or thinking the judgments is the real concern here. But to deny something that is involuntary is to deny human nature. We can’t control whom we judge. We can only control how we treat others after. And you can bet God will judge those actions the most. 

We all judge. No matter if you come to terms with it or not, fact is fact. You walk out of your house everyday and stare judgment directly in the face, unintentionally, unconsciously, or sometimes plain out deliberately. We can fool ourselves all we want by thinking we don’t judge, by thinking we never think we are better than another, but we all do it. The human species will continue to do it. Forever.

It’s not only us who are judging, but we are also the victims of being judged; by our race, by our face, by our weight, by our friends, by being human. It is something that is beyond our control. I do not have power over my way of thinking upon meeting you. I look at you, I see you for the first time, and I don’t just look away without a second thought. I read you, I analyze you, I admire you, or  I shamefully belittle you. Simply put, I judge you. All by the way you look, or the way you stand, or by with whom you are accompanied.( ” Tell me who you hang around with and I’ll tell you what you are.” ) I walk inside a destination and I don’t think about the judgments being thrown my way. I am oblivious to the people around me deciding who I am and how I am all by the way I look at that particular moment in time and by the actions in which I am participating.

I don’t think about the millions of bystanders I am unaware of that are deciding if I’m pretty, if I’m ugly, if I’m fat, if I’m skinny, if I’m smart,  if I’m like them, or if I’m abnormal in any way. I don’t think about the people deciding if I’m worthy of their attention, if they want to befriend me, if they are jealous of me, or those people that hate me instantly, just like that.

I don’t think about my elders who look at me and see their youth flashing before their wise eyes and think ” I never dressed like that, or talked like that, or acted that way.” I don’t think about the kids who may look up to me  or the kids that  decide right there on the spot that when they grow up they will never be like me, or dress how I dress, or talk how I talk, or hang with people like the ones I hang with.

The point is you just don’t think before you judge.  I’m completely unaware of all that is being directed at me and all that I am directing at others. Right now though, as I sit here and think about the things that I never think about; I am discovering that the only way to overcome judgment is to come to terms with the fact that we can never overcome it.  It’s a force that is naturally beyond our control.

Some of us spend our whole lives anticipating the famous so-called “Judgment Day” and I can’t help but wonder what we are all worried about. We’re all dreading a day when we’re supposed to be judged. The sad part is that that one day is every day-for as long as we shall live and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it.

Maybe stop and think  about this before you tell someone ” I don’t judge,”  It is not dishonorable and wrong to do so. It’s more honorable to come to terms with the fact that all of us judge, than to be dishonorable by lying about it, and defying the components that make up human nature. I say, go ahead and judge. You will anyway. What defines character is what you choose to do with those judgments and how you act in spite of them.  

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Pursuing the dream(s) : BIG and small

September 2012- Married the man of my dreams and high school crush. Had the Big fat Italian wedding followed by dream honeymoon in Atlantis,Bahamas -CHECK !
February 2014- gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy and named him Matteo, my all-time favorite boys name. CHECK!
To say those two milestones completed my life is an understatement. I was able to believe again. I was able to be whole again, and whole in a way that I never even knew I wasn’t.
Those dreams, small as they may seem to many ambitious others, were as big and imperative as they can get to me. It was all I ever wanted – to be a wife and to be a mother. And they came true! But don’t misunderstand, the road wasn’t an easy one . Our wedding song was ” God bless the broken road that led me straight to you.” It was the most fitting, most perfect way to capture what led my husband and I to each other. Obstacles were always in the way; hard-hitting road blocks deliberately placed to deter me from my dreams.
For starters -a previous relationship that scarred me so bad, I didn’t think I would ever be able to love myself, let alone anyone else ever again. I was a broken person that only my husband could heal. Then after our magical and perfect wedding came a heart-wrenching miscarriage. But then the light shined again and I was pregnant with my angel Matteo. Out of nowhere, two months before I give birth, I find out the company I’ve worked for for 11 years was being sold and I was laid off. I had planned to work there for my whole career. It was a great job and I was going to be able to work from home and raise my baby myself.
The blessing in disguise here was that I had more time to focus on my baby, and more time to finally stop putting off this fear of putting myself out there and daring to pursue my last and final life-long dream: to write. And not just write, but write publicly and not be so intimidated and bound by fear. I continuously have held myself back from putting myself out there and facing the unknown. I have always been a writer. I wrote poetry and wrote in journals since I was a little girl. It’s been my third and final life-long dream to one day write a book of my own, or publish a collection of my poetry, or now in 2014 – create a successful blog career.
No matter what happens, I will know this- that if I am successful or not, I at least made the first brave and raw step of putting my most private thoughts and feelings out there in cyber space for all the world to see. Though that may not make any dream come true, it does contribute to the 2nd dream. I can show my child that you should never give up on your dreams, no matter what obstacles stand in the way, no matter how big or small those dreams may be. The art of it all is to continue to believe, pursue, and never stop dreaming.

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