Tag Archives: personal

Just breathe

My worst enemy
My real life nightmare
My monster under the bed
Just breathe

The slow creep
The quiet takeover
The silent strangle
Just breathe

My throat begins to close
Breathe
My heart begins to pound
Just breathe
My fingers and toes go numb
Breathe
My body is covered with sweat
Please just breathe
My mind betrays me; starts believing the enemy

It comes without warning, without reason, without compassion
It knows no limits, has no restraint, has no loyalty
It just bluntly attacks
Breathe
Knocks you off your feet
Breathe
Holds your mind hostage
Breathe
Takes your breath away
Try-to-breathe
FIGHT
Never give in
Just breathe

It will not win
It will not defeat me
It will not take over
It will not kill me
I will be stronger
I will fight harder
It will not win
I choose to fight
I decide
I win
I-JUST-BREATHE

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Filed under Life, People, Uncategorized

Mommy see, Mommy do

Rookie. Newbie. First-time Mom. That’s me.  It is painfully obvious that I am not a veteran. I might as well be wearing it as a sort of scarlet letter branded across my forehead. That’s me- the one in the waiting room at the doctors office with my notepad of questions to ask the doctor. After almost 6 months now of my Matteo’s life- I think his doctor knows me well enough that at the end of her required tests and check lists, she sits down and says ” ok, what questions did you bring for me today ? “

Yes, I still sit in the backseat with my son while my husband is driving. Yes, I still sleep with the monitor literally next to my face and continue to run in his room at least twice a night just to get a closer look and to see him breathing up close. Yes, I listen to every guideline and rule book out there.  My doctor’s advice and opinions are like the bible to me. Yes, I jump 10 feet in the air and suffer mini-heart attacks when Matteo coughs or cries really hard or makes a new sound. Yes, I read book after book and article after article on the newest philosophies on child care and ways to always stimulate your baby’s mind and help develop the smartest babies. Yes, I read a new book to my son every single day even though he can’t possible understand any of it yet. Yes, I constantly ask questions to other moms, to my mother and my mother-in-law, constantly ask my doctor if the way I’m doing something is right, constantly over-think and worry and stress if I’m doing a good job and if others think I’m doing a good job. 

Yes, I’m that girl. I’ve always been. Of course I like to think I’m not – but I’ve always been a please-approve-of-what-I’m-doing girl. I’m a student down to the bone. I read, I analyze, I research everything. Having my first baby brings it out in me even more. There’s not one item in my house for my son that I have not researched thoroughly and hmmed and hawed over before buying.  Preparing my registry for my baby shower was like a full -time job. I drove my husband crazy, my sister crazy, my best friends crazy, my cousins crazy. I did not stop. I needed to have the very best, the most practical, the safest, the cutest, and I needed to be very sure before adding anything to the registry. 

I downloaded app after app after app during my pregnancy to ensure I was doing all I could do, that I was finding out everything there was to know about my child’s development and growth. I bought one of those at-home heartbeat monitors to check on the baby and I did it more times then I’d like to admit. I just had to make sure he was safe. My own personal angel that was sent to me from heaven. You bet I was going to do anything and everything I could to protect him and keep him safe. After all, I have been waiting for him all my life.

So yes , I am a first-time mom and I’m a little crazy. I’m a little irrational. I’m a little over-bearing and over-protective . So what. It’s more like a badge of honor to me, than a scarlet letter . I wear it loud and proud. I am proud that I am new at this, proud that I want to give my son the very best life has to offer, proud that I would move heaven and earth to give him anything he needs, proud that I would walk through fire to keep him safe and protected, and proud that I’m doing a damn good job for a rookie, if I do say so myself.  

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Filed under Family, Life, Love, Uncategorized