Tag Archives: thoughts

Just breathe

My worst enemy
My real life nightmare
My monster under the bed
Just breathe

The slow creep
The quiet takeover
The silent strangle
Just breathe

My throat begins to close
Breathe
My heart begins to pound
Just breathe
My fingers and toes go numb
Breathe
My body is covered with sweat
Please just breathe
My mind betrays me; starts believing the enemy

It comes without warning, without reason, without compassion
It knows no limits, has no restraint, has no loyalty
It just bluntly attacks
Breathe
Knocks you off your feet
Breathe
Holds your mind hostage
Breathe
Takes your breath away
Try-to-breathe
FIGHT
Never give in
Just breathe

It will not win
It will not defeat me
It will not take over
It will not kill me
I will be stronger
I will fight harder
It will not win
I choose to fight
I decide
I win
I-JUST-BREATHE

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One Step Forward

” We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” FDR

Where does it fit? Do any of us really know where their puzzle piece of life¬†truly belongs? Do we ever really know for sure if the path that we have taken was the one we were destined to follow?¬† How will we ever really know¬† if we don’t surrender to the fear of putting ourselves out there, of reaching for our dreams, of following the path less traveled?

Was it all written in my script that I was given when I took my first breath of this air that keeps whirling me around and around, leading me in so many directions. This direction: safe, secure, normal, content, cozy. That direction: Unknown, Wild, Dangerous, Terrifying. Maybe it’s just¬†the journey, not the destination. I don’t think I know exactly. I just know I don’t want any walls prisoning me.¬†¬†I just know that in order to really see or be seen, one has to¬†remove the¬†blinders; life’s distorted sunglasses that keep obstructing the desired vision. ¬†Will I go the distance to the other side of the dark? Can my mountain of insecurities be overcome? Will I turn the page to the new level of multicolored dreams awakening me, empowering me, every step of the way?

One step forward.

        Another step further.

No more cracks in the sidewalk. I will achieve the unachievable and I will not look back at footprints that walked over me, at hands that pulled me back, at eyes behind sunglasses that tried to blind me of my strength. 

¬†You have to be willing to put yourself out there, uncover the layers… take off your sunglasses.¬† You can’t play hide and seek with the stars forever.¬†I took my sunglasses off and I lost them in the dust when the wind blew. Will you?..

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Mommy see, Mommy do

Rookie. Newbie. First-time Mom. That’s me. ¬†It is painfully obvious that I am not a veteran. I might as well be wearing it as a sort of scarlet letter branded across my forehead. That’s me- the one in the waiting room at the doctors office with my notepad of questions to ask the doctor. After almost 6 months now of my Matteo’s life- I think his doctor knows me well enough that at the end of her required tests and check lists, she sits down and says ” ok, what questions did you bring for me today ? “

Yes, I still sit in the backseat with my son while my husband is driving. Yes, I still sleep with the monitor literally next to my face and continue to run in his room at least twice a night just to get a closer look and to see him breathing up close. Yes, I listen to every guideline and rule book out there. ¬†My doctor’s advice and opinions are like the bible to me. Yes, I jump 10 feet in the air and suffer mini-heart attacks when Matteo coughs or cries really hard or makes a new sound. Yes, I read book after book and article after article on the newest philosophies on child care and ways to always stimulate your baby’s mind and help develop the smartest babies. Yes, I read a new book to my son every single day even though he can’t possible understand any of it yet. Yes, I constantly ask questions to other moms, to my mother and my mother-in-law, constantly ask my doctor if the way I’m doing something is right, constantly over-think and worry and stress if I’m doing a good job and if others think I’m doing a good job.¬†

Yes, I’m that girl. I’ve always been. Of course I like to think I’m not – but I’ve always been a please-approve-of-what-I’m-doing girl. I’m a student down to the bone. I read, I analyze, I research everything. Having my first baby brings it out in me even more. There’s not one item in my house for my son that I have not researched thoroughly and hmmed and hawed over before buying. ¬†Preparing my registry for my baby shower was like a full -time job. I drove my husband crazy, my sister crazy, my best friends crazy, my cousins crazy. I did not stop. I needed to have the very best, the most practical, the safest, the cutest, and I needed to be very sure before adding anything to the registry.¬†

I downloaded app after app after app during my pregnancy to ensure I was doing all I could do, that I was finding out everything there was to know about my child’s development and growth. I bought one of those at-home heartbeat monitors to check on the baby and I did it more times then I’d like to admit. I just had to make sure he was safe. My own personal angel that was sent to me from heaven. You bet I was going to do anything and everything I could to protect him and keep him safe. After all, I have been waiting for him all my life.

So yes , I am a first-time mom and I’m a little crazy. I’m a little irrational. I’m a little over-bearing and over-protective . So what. It’s more like a badge of honor to me, than a scarlet letter . I wear it loud and proud. I am proud that I am new at this, proud that I want to give my son the very best life has to offer, proud that I would move heaven and earth to give him anything he needs, proud that I would walk through fire to keep him safe and protected, and proud that I’m doing a damn good job for a rookie, if I do say so myself. ¬†

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Judgment Day

” Only God can Judge me”¬† Do any of you really believe that is true?¬†¬† Tupac believed that, but in the end, ¬†I’m pretty sure he learned that¬†wasn’t the case. Have you ever heard¬†people say¬†“It’s not my place to judge” ,¬† or ” I don’t judge anyone”, or ” Don’t judge a book by it’s cover,” or ¬†“Who are¬† you to judge?”¬† Why do we utter such nonsense? It’s lies. We are just lying to others, to ourselves, but fooling no one in the process. What we should be saying instead is that judgment is innate. It is human. It is honest. What matters is what¬†¬†we do with that judgment. How we act unto others after making the judgments or thinking the judgments¬†is the real concern here.¬†But to deny something that is involuntary is to deny¬†human nature. We can’t control whom we judge. We can only control how we treat others after. And¬†you can bet¬†God will judge those actions the most.¬†

We¬†all judge. No matter if you come to terms with it or not, fact is fact. You walk out of your house everyday and stare judgment directly in the face, unintentionally, unconsciously, or sometimes plain out deliberately. We can fool ourselves all we want by thinking we don’t judge, by thinking we never think we are better than another, but we all do it. The human species will continue to do it. Forever.

It’s not only us who are judging, but we are also the victims of being judged; by our race, by our face, by our weight, by our friends, by being human. It is something that is beyond our control. I do not have power over my way of thinking upon meeting you. I look at you, I see you for the first time, and I don’t just look away without a second thought. I read you, I analyze you, I admire you, or ¬†I shamefully belittle you. Simply put, I judge you. All by the way you look, or the way you stand, or by with whom you are accompanied.(¬†” Tell me who you hang around with and I’ll tell you what you are.”¬†)¬†I walk inside a destination and I don’t think about the judgments being thrown my way. I am oblivious to the people around me deciding who I am and how I am all by the way I look at that particular moment in time and by the actions in which I am participating.

I don’t think about the millions of bystanders I am unaware of that are deciding if I’m pretty, if I’m ugly, if I’m fat, if I’m skinny, if I’m smart, ¬†if I’m like them, or if I’m abnormal in any way. I don’t think about the people deciding if I’m worthy of their attention, if they want to befriend me, if they are jealous of me, or those people that hate me instantly, just like that.

I don’t think about my elders who look at me and see their youth flashing before their wise eyes and think ” I never dressed like that, or talked like that, or acted that way.”¬†I don’t think about the kids who¬†may look up to me ¬†or the kids that ¬†decide right there on the spot that when they grow up they will never be like me, or dress how I dress, or talk how I talk, or hang with people like the ones I hang with.

The point is you just don’t think before you judge.¬†¬†I’m completely unaware of all that is being directed at me and all that I am directing at others. Right now though, as I sit here and think about the things that I never think about; I am discovering that the only way to overcome judgment is to come to terms with the fact that we can never overcome it.¬† It’s a force that is naturally beyond our control.

Some of us spend our whole lives anticipating the famous so-called “Judgment Day” and I can’t help but wonder what we are all worried about. We’re all dreading a day when we’re supposed to be judged. The sad part is that that one day is every day-for as long as we shall live and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it.

Maybe stop and think¬† about this before you tell someone ” I don’t judge,”¬† It is not¬†dishonorable and wrong to do so. It’s more honorable to come to terms with the fact that all of us judge, than to be dishonorable by lying about it, and defying the components that make up human nature. I say, go ahead and judge. You will anyway. What defines character¬†is what you choose to do with those judgments and how you act in spite of them. ¬†

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